Mr. Polyamorous

This week’s Sex in the Midwest story, comes to you from one of my dear friends who lives in St. Louis, Missouri, and is also navigating the dating market post-divorce. Dating app stories, interesting or awful first dates, Annika openly shared with me the challenges that she has been facing, while putting herself out there.

The latest discussion that we shared, is her very recent saga: swiping on a guy that is openly polyamorous. Polyamory, as defined by Wikipedia, is “the practice of, or the desire for, romantic relationships with more than one partner at the same time, with the informed consent of all partners involved”. In Klesse’s article, titled “Notions of love in polyamory: Elements in a discourse on multiple loving", it is implied that some people who may identify as polyamorous, believe in consensual non-monogamy with a conscious management of jealousy, and reject the notion that sexual and relational exclusivity (monogamy) are prerequisites for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships. What is interesting, is that my friend Annika was asking a lot of questions to Mr. Polyamory, on his definitions and terms when it comes to this type of “open relationship”.

For starters, Mr. Polyamorous is married (and has been for about 20ish years) and has been in an open marriage/partnership for more than half of that time. When Annika first started talking to him, she asked the question, “So what is the difference between ethical non-monogamy, and polyamory?” In Mr. Polyamorous’s definition, he stated that that “Polyamory, is having specific relationships with each partner, and that these partnerships are compartmentalized and separate”. Meaning, that the person that has multiple partners does not swap their partners with each other, as if we are trying each other’s drinks and passing them around for everyone to try and share. Ethical non-monogamy in his terms, is basically “partner swapping”, also known as “swinging”. But what is “swinging” exactly? There are a few answers for this question. The short answer, is that “swinging is the practice of exchanging partners strictly for sex” (USA TODAY Link).

What is interesting to me about polyamory and swinging (or ethical non-monogamy), is that both of these notions deeply challenge the idea of jealousy and insecurity, within a partnership. If I had to guess, you have to be very secure in who you are and also be very “sex positive” and okay with the person that you are intimate with, to be intimate with others. And vice versa. Which is something that Mr. Polyamorous mentioned as well.

When I was talking to Annika about this, she agreed with that notion, that it deeply challenges any insecurities that you may have. When I had asked her how she felt about it, she said that she really likes Mr. Polyamorous, however, she does not know how long she will be okay with this interplay. (This is something that I have to agree with as well). Annika is someone who has naturally been independent, and is totally okay with not having a relationship being at the center of everything. But one thing to note, is Annika is not inherently polyamorous, as she has been married before and was in exclusive, monogamous relationships. She is currently figuring out post-divorce, what does she like and/or want, and where her boundaries and limits are. I am finding her own journey, of being so open to different men and experiences utterly inspiring.

But the real question is, is polyamory a healthy way of being in a partnership? Or technically partnerships? Aren’t there other considerations to think about? Such as how to split your time between your partners, and how you balance your life outside of these partnerships? Do some partners come before others? Is there a hierarchy that flows down between partners? Obviously, when swingers exchange partners within the established group, polyamory means that you are in an “open relationship” and can see multiple people. (Of course with the other partners knowing and consent).

However, this type of dynamic, constantly has to address the notion of jealousy and insecurity, but can that become simply exhausting over time? Or do we have it wrong with monogamy? While from what I have read and researched, it seems that if practiced well, polyamory can give the space to explore one’s sexuality, with different partners (supposedly in a safe and understanding environment). But in today’s modern world of dating and “hooking up” you can explore your sexuality, without being in established, compartmentalized, partnerships. So, then the debate really becomes, “What is better?”. Or is the other question, “What is easier?” I guess it truly depends on who you ask.

My only challenge to polyamory, and having multiple relationships is, if you are having more than one relationship that you are focusing your time and effort on, are the rest of the partnerships really sacred? Are any of them sacred? Or is that truly the point? That the relationships can be meaningful, but sacredness is reserved for monogamous relationships?

These questions that I am bringing up, are truly just my own. But it does make me wonder…you know the saying “quality is better than quantity”. Wouldn’t that same principle apply here? It makes me ponder and think, since a polyamorous person can have multiple partners, can one fall into the trap of having “too many” partnerships? Or does that not exist? Can one truly “love” all of the people that they are romantically involved with? Because isn’t what we define different types of love (such as platonic, familial, romantic, etc.) the point of differentiating the meaningfulness of the different relationships that we have in our lives?

I don’t know. While, polyamory is not a new concept, I think we have taken dating, sex, and romantic involvements to a whole new extreme, that I truly believe at this point, nothing surprises me anymore. It certainly isn’t my place to judge how people choose to be in relationships, who they love, and how they love. But I think polyamory on a whole, raises some interesting questions to think about. It is actually way more common than you may think it is.

While I am not sure what will happen in Annika’s case; whether she will continue forward and be open to the possibility of an "open relationship” or whether this was a fun little experiment and a great educational experience to what it is truly like to be in a polyamorous relationship, without all of the noise and stigmas that we are used to seeing/hearing about in the media. Either way, hearing her experiences as she is getting to know Mr. Polyamorous, has begged some interesting questions for me to ponder on. What do you guys think? Can polyamory, be sustainable long-term? For Mr. Polyamorous, it sure seems to be.

Let me know your thoughts.

Until next week,

~Christina Snitko

References:

Klesse, C. (2011). "Notions of love in polyamory: Elements in a discourse on multiple loving". Laboratorium. 3 (2): 4–25. Archived from the original on March 17, 2017. Retrieved December 27, 2016.

What is a swinger? What to know about sex, open relationships, ENM