Mr. Hugh Hefner
Even though I am sure that we are all enjoying this winter holiday bliss, and the start of 2025, I have a story to take you back to Halloween Weekend. Oh Halloween. For whatever reason, I truly love Halloween. I not only love getting all dressed up, but I also love going out while I am dressed up. When I look good, I feel good. And when you feel good, you tend to radiate this confidence, that does not go unnoticed.
My girlfriends and I, which included Juliana, Sam, and Sam’s best friend Alice, got dressed up in our Halloween costumes, and decided to go out for Halloween. Sam and Alice went as Dumb and Dumber (their costume was honestly brilliantly funny to me). Juliana went as fembot from Austin Powers (also slayed the whole look), and I went as a sexy devil. Let’s just say for a group of single girls, we all came together very well.
We started the night by going to a family function/party of Sam’s where we were civil and cute. It was a cold night (of course it is, what else would you expect for it being the Midwest in October?) and after basically freezing our asses off, we were off to our next adventure. I knew that it was only a matter of time before we would see what kind of fuckery we would be getting ourselves into. And let’s just say, the level of fuckery was definitely guaranteed.
I have to say, for some pretty average women, we are never short of a story. Whether we go out last minute, or it is something that is planned, we always seem to get into some kind of trouble, that sometimes, I am not sure if people actually believe us half of the time. But this night, was definitely one to remember.
We started off bar hopping with a cult classic bar, where everyone was dressed up. It was so cool to see. We got there around 9 or 10pm, but the bar was quickly getting packed. We girls, did what we girls like to do when we go out. We like to dance. We like to dance and have a good time. So, we got our drinks, and the bar started to get even more packed, as the night went on.
Once the first bar started to feel a bit too claustrophobic, we decided to head to another bar. Mind you, the town that we were at, was in a pretty wealthy college town, in a bougie part of the suburbs. So the bar scene includes college aged kids and the mid to late 20s age group. Sometimes, you will find the oddballs of some older people, but I find that to be a bit rare.
Anyways, once we got to the second bar, it was a really refreshing vibe. For starters, it is big. There is so much room to walk around, even if it is on a busy night. I would say it is a mix between a pub or American type of style bar. But this bar specifically is where I see a lot of the local college kids congregate. But the reason that I like this bar personally, is to people watch. Let’s be honest, it is very amusing to see what people are doing. I like to notice how guys talk to girls. See girls’ reactions as the guys are talking to them. I like to make up little stories to see who might get lucky tonight. It is never short of fun entertainment for me.
Once we get our drinks, we find this girl, (who we in fact did see her boyfriend close by talking to some other dudes) who was sitting at this table by herself. I asked her if it was okay for us girls to sit at the table, and she had agreed that it was fine and we all decided to take a seat. I was in between the girl and Juliana, while Sam and Alice were doing their own thing. (Which is honestly the norm at this point). But all of a sudden, as Juliana and I were sitting at this table, a swarm of guys just come over to us.
To be fair, it was three guys, but hey, if I had to choose three over none, I would still choose three, okay? Mind you, they are dressed up in their Halloween costumes and let me paint the scene for you. There were two guys dressed up as Mario and Luigi, who then later I found out are twins. As well as a blonde dude dressed up as a cop, who went straight to my beautiful, sexy fembot friend Juliana. And here is where the true story begins. While Mr. Policeman was all up flirting with Juliana, Luigi (and no, this is not the same Luigi that we are seeing in the news right now) decided to flirt with me. Mario sat at the opposite end of the table and was more so observing all of what was happening.
While Luigi was getting his flirt on with me, Mr. Policeman was in deep, flirting with Juliana, the beautiful fembot. The only problem? He was getting a bit “too” comfortable with Juliana. Based on what she told me, (after we have had our next day women’s recap) Mr. Policeman was ready to shove his tongue down her throat and make out with her. Right then and there. Which men, a little pro tip here…we women love effort and interest. However, what we do not like, is when that effort and interest, becomes WAY too much and borderline aggressive. At that point, your aggressiveness, comes off as desperation. The minute that we women sense that, you have basically entered the point of no return. And once you enter the point of no return, there is no rebounding after that unfortunately.
While Luigi was talking my ear off, I was looking over at Juliana, and I could tell that she was not really enjoying her conversation either. I saw Mr. Policeman lean in, and God bless Juliana, she literally took hold of Mr. Policeman’s neck, and had this man in a chokehold, so that he wouldn’t shove his tongue down her throat. While that was happening, Alice and Sam took Mr. Policeman’s hat and handcuffs, so let’s just say no one was going to get “cuffed” either. As Juliana was fighting to get Mr. Policeman off of her, low and behold, you would not believe that there was another guy that swooped in and started talking to Juliana. He was the true knight in shining armor that came in to save the night. Only that wasn’t his costume.
From my personal perspective, this man was dressed as a pirate. Or Captain Hook, at his best. And trust me, I truly thought that was the look that he was going for. It wasn’t until after the fact that when I was debriefing with Juliana, she told me that this man was dressed up as Hugh Hefner. Yes, the very same Hugh Hefner that was associated with playboy bunny. I did not have the heart to tell Juliana that there was no way that I could see that from his costume, but again, who am I to judge? Maybe most things look fuzzy when you are drunk. Or maybe, this dude had to create a costume, from what he already had in his closet. I honestly, would not know.
So, Mr. Hugh Hefner came in, and saved Juliana from Mr. Policeman, which caused Mr. Policeman to eventually leave. All of this was perfect timing, because from the looks of it, Mr. Policeman wasn’t going to get lucky at all. What I found out after the fact too, was Mr. Hugh Hefner was actually someone that Juliana was already talking to on Hinge, so he wasn’t a complete stranger to her. (But man, how crazy would the story have been, if he was a complete stranger, who just happened to have had the perfect chance to intervene?). It turned out, that Mr. Hugh Hefner was in proximity, of being in the same town that we were, on the same night of Halloween, and neither of them knew that they were going to end up at the same bar. Or maybe, they did know. But I personally, will never know this truth.
You may be surprised to hear, that we ended up closing down the bar, and had to leave regardless. It was 2 am, and time to go home. The funny part, was that Mr. Hugh Hefner and Juliana were hitting it off super well, and he was being a sweetheart and walked with Juliana to our car. Sam was the one that drove us there, and as soon as we all stepped into the car, Juliana had informed us that she was going to go to Mr. Hugh Hefner’s place. I will be honest, we were all surprised, and Sam made sure to double check with Juliana not only once, but more like three times, to make sure that she really wanted to go over to Mr. Hugh Hefner’s place and that she felt safe. Juliana kept saying yes, so we let her go. And reminded her to use protection.
As we were driving out of the parking garage, to go back home, we saw Juliana walking with Mr. Hugh Hefner. Sam cracked me up, because as we were passing by them, Sam rolled down her car window and yelled, “Bye bitch, I love you and don’t forget to use protection!” I was laughing my ass off from the back seat. It was such a fun car ride home, because Sam, Alice and I were all speculating how good or bad the sex would be. But for Juliana’s sake, we all hoped that she would have a good time.
The irony of Juliana going home with someone, was that we were all staying over at Juliana’s house. So the owner of the home, wouldn’t even be home. I passed out on Juliana’s couch right away, and in true gentleman form, Mr. Hugh Hefner drove Juliana back to her house. I actually do remember waking up to her walking in, which was around 4 or 5 am. Once she walked through the door, I then passed out again until the morning.
Because yours truly is a coffee snob, I woke up early and got my Dunkin Coffee and came back and was chilling on the couch, until Juliana woke up. When she did, we all decided to have a debrief. Juliana told me the recount of her night. She said that the sex was good, and they went multiple rounds. Which all in all, is a positive. Seemed like a pretty good experience.
However, I will be the first to admit, that we women are honestly crazy. We women, HAVE to dive deep into FBI research, in order to truly know if the guy that we are seeing, dating or fucking, is one that we can trust to continue seeing, dating or fucking. We women, HAVE to know the tea. I would like to think, that it is a part of our inherent biology. And we just cannot survive otherwise.
In addition, most girls have that one best friend, who acts as her FBI agent. This friend, can find all of the receipts, all of tea and history, on the man that you are interested in. So, Sam, being the FBI queen that she is, found everything that she could find on Mr. Hugh Hefner.
Mr. Hugh Hefner, was a theatre kid. One, who had some of his audition tapes out on the internet. I ended up leaving this viewing party early, but based on what Juliana described, the audition tapes, were enough for her to decide that she never wanted to sleep or see Mr. Hugh Hefner again. You have to admit, she had to have seen some pretty bad or traumatizing audition tapes, for her to not want to have decent sex again. From what I recall, the one that made her decide that she was never going to see him again, was a monologue about his dead grandpa, being in a drawer. After hearing that myself, I thought that the potential risk of Mr. Hugh Hefner wanting to try role play during sex, or worse, try to think that he was in a porno while mixing in some theatre jargon during the sex, was ultimately, very high. No wonder Juliana decided that there would never be a round two with Mr. Hugh Hefner.
Ultimately, I think Juliana not seeing Hugh Hefner again, was only to her advantage. For someone who I thought was Captain Hook at first, this theatre kid has a lot of work to do on his costume skills. And maybe next time, we girls need to do a better background check. So that, we do not wake up to the horrors of the things that we find about the person that we have slept with, after the fact! But oh well. At least we had a story to share here.
Until the next one,
~Christina Snitko
