Miss, I Deleted Bumble

This week’s story, will be told and about yours truly. As I have been dabbling in how I want this blog to progress, while sometimes it is fun to write about other people, sometimes it is also nice to share my point of view, as I too navigate the confusing world of dating.

A couple of blog posts ago, I wrote about how I drunk downloaded Bumble and got the brilliant idea to start writing this blog. Now, I honestly did not know how to properly set up my Bumble profile, which led me to some insane matches. Now, when I say INSANE, I mean insane. I had one guy literally lead with saying that he would love to marry me, which then led to him saying that he needs a green card (nope to 90-day fiancé). Another match I had, instantly wanted to get into the red and green flags (which I do not blame the man for getting right to it, but it ruined any excitement I had) and it felt too forced to carry a conversation onwards. Another one said that we are basically at a “human supermarket”, picking each other off of the shelves, because of the nature of being on an online platform (I will never allow myself to be compared to produce).

A few other matches that I had, the conversations just died, which made me refuse to continue to chat with anyone further. I had this feeling like I had to pull teeth, for them to even say anything. It was not only dry, but not even worth the time I was spending reading these men’s bios. Around this time too, I was still stuck in a very weird situationship limbo, where I truly tried to see if anything could come out of that.

When that ended up falling through the cracks as well, I was beyond devasted. All of these events, that happened at the same time, left me pretty upset and pessimistic about dating in general. All the shots that I felt like I took, all of them missed. I lasted a week on the dating app, to realize that this just felt so disheartening, and a huge waste of my time. Was this truly the best way to meet people? Did I even like, or want to do this? I had no intrinsic motivation to continue being on the dating app at all, so I decided to delete it.

I would like to think, that it was probably for the best. I decided to take a break from dating in general (both online and IRL) while I was allowing the latest sting on my heart, to heal. As the holidays started to approach, being single, made me feel even more pathetic. There is a certain holiday ring in the air, that brings a joyous time for most people. And even more opportunities to enjoy these things with other people. While great for some folks, it reminded me of being alone. Pair that with the cold weather, I was down for the count. I then started to talk with my girlfriends, to see if maybe there was a better way that I could set up my profile, and try again? Maybe I did not put enough information in bio, or did not have enough filters? Maybe, I was too resistant of the app itself, and I needed to give it my last full try. And that I did.

I redownloaded Bumble for the second time, while I had plenty of time during the holiday/lull period, which included that weird in-between week after Christmas, but before the New Year. I had so much time to just relax, watch Netflix, clean, cook, and also read the profiles and start swiping. You would be surprised to find, I actually did do some research, and decided to set up my profile, with a lot more intention. I really sat down, and thought about what I truly was looking for, what I wanted out of life, and what kind of person I wanted beside me, while I was working on those things. I set up my profile, and made it known that I was looking for something serious.

I was also a lot more intentional, with who I was choosing to swipe on, and made sure to read profiles more carefully. While the matches were more promising than they were the first time around, what felt so exhausting about this round of swiping, was how it felt like I was looking for jobs. But instead of jobs, it was men. Not only was I looking for a man, but I had to “audition” too. And after a while, having to get the “basic” questions out of the way, which included, the “what do you do?”, the hobbies, as well as the small talk formalities, only left me more drained. It felt like I was in Groundhog Day, repeating the same cycle of questions, just with different people to ask those same questions to.

The other thing that I have observed, is that to statistically have a better chance to meet someone, or honestly even get to the first date, you have to keep swiping and keep talking to multiple people. So these Groundhog Day conversations, felt like I was in some eternal loop. There were a few times I almost messaged the wrong guy about something, because I was messaging multiple people at a time. So having to make sure that you do not accidentally message the wrong person, and remember the right facts about that specific person, got exhausting pretty fast.

On top of that, I can only sustain a conversation with a complete stranger on the internet, for so long, before I start losing the point of it. If you are not inviting me to at least a coffee date after a few days in order to have an in-person conversation, to ensure that we both aren’t being catfished, and actually see if our energies vibe, then that is it for me.

This is truly my opinion, but I have a better chance of bumping into someone randomly, and feeling it out within the first 20 seconds, if I like their vibe or not. The only problem in these modern-day times? Regular people on the street, are not willingly sociable. No one takes notice. Looks you in the eye. Acknowledges you, or says hello. I recently moved, and even my neighbors, who I have passed by and seen multiple times, have not said hello yet. If that says anything about the day to day interactions, what expectations do we have about the dating world?

I knew I had made the right decision with deleting the app, when I felt more at peace, lighter, and less anxious. I felt like I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted with my time. And lastly, I decided to fully surrender, to serendipity. I would like to believe, that the Universe knows what it is doing. I felt deeply in my heart and gut, that this was not my story, of how I was going to meet my person.

Now, my personal opinion and journey, is to not shit on anyone else’s love story. I have known people, that have found their future spouses, on Bumble. Actually, based on the people I have met, and the stories that I have heard around me, Bumble itself, has the highest success rate. But what I also found, was those people found their success, when they weren’t “actively” looking. They joined the app for a “let’s fuck around and find out” moment, or when they weren’t seriously looking for commitment. It is almost as though, they found someone, when they weren’t even trying. And maybe, that is the key.

Maybe I was taking this way too seriously. Maybe, I had really high expectations, which caused me to be inevitably disappointed. I have been told by multiple people in my life, that I am “too picky”. Maybe that is true. But I refuse to feel bad about being “picky” or having high standards. Because the way that I am looking at it, is I am looking for a life partner. I am choosing the person that I want to build my life with. I am choosing the father of my future children. I am choosing who want to grow old with. I am choosing who I want to solve problems with. I am choosing someone, who I want to walk through life with. Hopefully, until our mortal end.

Maybe it is not about the dating apps themselves, but maybe it is more about my approach? Maybe, the whole point, is to not take it seriously at all? The other thing that I think I have realized, is doing dating through a screen, and putting in extraneous time and effort, which ultimately adds unnecessary pressure (hence more levels of disappointment) is not for me.

There is something so magical and freeing, in letting all of this bullshit go and trusting the Universe. Now, this does not mean that I am going to stay at home, never go out, and never even put myself out there. Oh no. Now, I have even more of the desire to do that. To go out. To have fun. To not give a shit. My goal going forward, is to flow with life a bit more. Because this is my way, of not “actively looking”. I solely plan on going out and enjoying life. And my only intention, is to have a good time.

Because ultimately, I believe in the Universe. And if the Universe wants to work its magic on me and allow for me to be utterly surprised by its serendipity, then the journey itself, regardless of how it turns out, is so worth it to me.